Welcome to week 2 of “First Comes Love,” our series about biblical marriage. We’ve been exploring Romans 12:9-12, Page ______. It’s not about marriage, specifically, but it has a lot of wisdom we can apply to it.

Now, as I said last week, I recognize that this topic can be painful for some and runs the risk of excluding others, especially if you’re not married. But our hope and our prayer is that this series will lead us all to develop healthier relationships no matter where we are on the journey.

I’m going to kick us off today by reading the whole passage for this series, and then we’ll dig into the verse for today.

Romans 12:9-12

Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other. Never be lazy, but work hard and serve the Lord enthusiastically. Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying.

Again, here Paul isn’t writing to married couples, specifically. He’s addressing the divided Jews and Gentiles in the Roman church. He’s telling all believers how to love one another with Christlike love.

However, as we saw last week, these words do have a lot to teach us about marriages, too.

In verse 9, Paul says, literally, “Let your love (agape) be genuine.”

As I said, there are a lot of other words in Greek to describe love: things like friendship (philadelphia), affection (storge), and even romantic or physical attraction (eros). But Paul uses the word agape, which is a Christlike, selfless, others-focused kind of love.

And as I argued last week, agape is the kind of love that can make our marriages thrive. That can help spouses fulfill the biblical call to Covenant Faithfulness.

This is the biblical conception of marriage. Not just a temporary agreement which can be undone if necessary - if “love fades” or whatever - but an eternal bond that requires self-giving love to maintain.

So today, we’re going to dig into what agape love looks like in practice. Let’s pray, and then we’ll get into it.

[PRAY]

TENDER AFFECTION

Alright, today we’re going to zoom in on verse 10. Let’s read it again.

Romans 12:10

Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other.

We’re going to look at this verse in two parts. In the first part, Paul uses two of those other Greek words to describe what we might call love.

φιλαδελφία - philadelphia: brotherly love, friendship

στοργή - storge: affection, benevolent interest

I won’t bore you with the details, but he actually uses an extra prefix before storge which emphasizes it even more. So my translation would be something like this:

“Let your deep friendship toward one another be tenderly affectionate.”

I think this is really important for us to consider. Because with all this talk of self-giving love and sacrifice and eternal covenants, it can feel a bit like marriage is supposed to be this long, painful, difficult slog. Until death do you part and you can finally take a break, right?

But what Paul is describing here is anything but a slog. He’s describing relationships that are life-giving and joy-filled. Tenderly affectionate. Friends as close as brothers and sisters. The kind of relationships where you feel at home and safe and known. Where you can be yourself.

That’s meant to be true for all Christian relationships, but especially for marriages.

This is the biblical ideal for covenant faithfulness. It isn’t a slog. It’s a delight.

TOGETHER IN PARADISE

In fact, the seeds of this idea go all the way back to the beginning of the Bible. The book of Genesis. So before we move on to part 2 of verse 10, we need to return again to the Old Testament - to the poetic and thought-provoking story of human origins.

The very short version of the story is that God creates Adam - or, more accurately Adam, which just means “human” - and places him in a garden. The garden of Eden. It’s the human’s job to tend and watch over the garden.

But then God says,

Genesis 2:18

“It is not good for the human to be alone/only one.”

So God decides to find a companion for him. He creates all the living creatures - animals. But there isn’t a suitable partner to be found anywhere among them. So God makes the human fall asleep, and takes a part of the adam’s body to make another adam - another human.

A lot of our translations say that God took one of his ribs to do this, but the Hebrew word really just means “side.” It’s more like God splits Adam in two.

And the result of this primeval surgery is that Adam - human - is no longer alone/only one. Adam is now two: In Hebrew,

ʾish - man

ʾishah - woman

Or, their given names, Adam - human, and Chava (Eve, which means “life”).

When Adam wakes up and sees Chava, he’s overjoyed. He even writes a little poem about how, unlike the animals, he’s finally met one of his kind. Right out of the gate, there is tender affection in this relationship.

And now, Adam and Chava are able to fulfill their divinely-appointed role in this Creation:

Genesis 1:28

God blessed them and said, “Be fruitful and multiply. Fill the earth and govern it.”

Now, not only could humanity create more life through childbirth - they could multiply - but they could also be God’s representatives on earth, ruling Creation on God’s behalf together - something Adam could never do alone.

And interestingly, the author of Genesis adds this note to the story:

Genesis 2:24-25

This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one. Now the man and his wife were both naked, but they felt no shame.

In other words, the original biblical conception of marriage is one of abundant and harmonious unity. They are one.

And they’re naked! There is no shame. No hidden motives. There is true vulnerability and life and joy as the humans multiply together.

In that context, Paul’s words in Romans seem like a given.

Romans 12:10

Love each other with genuine affection…

How could Adam and Chava not? They’re united into one.

PARADISE LOST

But of course, it doesn’t take long for this beautiful ideal to be shattered. For paradise to be lost.

The humans rebel against God’s commands, they eat from the tree they were commanded to avoid, and they poison God’s good Creation with the curse of sin.

Long story short, now humans are locked in conflict with the forces of evil. Man is locked in conflict with the earth itself, which produces thorns and thistles instead of giving him fruit.

And probably most devastating of all: man and woman - ish and ishah - are now locked in conflict as well. Here’s what God tells the woman about this new reality.

Genesis 3:16 (NRSV)

I will greatly increase your pangs in childbearing;

in pain you shall bring forth children,

yet your desire shall be for your husband,

and he shall rule over you.

There’s a fascinating double meaning in the first line of this passage. Yes, it’s describing the pain of childbirth that many of you moms are well aware of.

But it’s also, I believe, describing the pain and difficulty that comes now from raising children in the first place. What was meant to be a joyful and abundant multiplication of humanity has now become a hardship. Raising kids can be brutal!

It regularly creates conflict and discord in a marriage. If you think you have it bad, the very next story in Genesis is of Adam and Chava's firstborn son murdering his brother. “In pain you shall bring forth children.”

And what about this abundant, harmonious unity that once existed between them as man and woman ruled Creation together?

Well now, “your desire will be for your husband.” You’re going to long for that unity and shared purpose. But now, instead of ruling creation together, “he will rule over you.”

Things have fallen apart. And that is exactly what we see playing out over and over and over again throughout the Old Testament.

Broken marriages. Men - even the patriarchs of Israel - taking advantage of women, playing games with multiple wives, sometimes even casting them out into the wilderness. We also see women scheming and plotting to control men.

Let me give you just one example of how far things fall from that Eden ideal in the Bible. Picture again the two humans, unified, partnering to rule God’s good creation together in harmony with his desires. And then listen to this.

1 Kings 11:1-3

Now King Solomon loved many foreign women… He had 700 wives of royal birth and 300 concubines. And in fact, they did turn his heart away from the LORD.

What are we doing here? From Adam and Chava naked and unashamed to Israel’s king building a harem and rejecting God.

My point is this: Marriage was meant to be beautiful, life-giving, shared stewardship of God’s good creation. But disordered desires, selfishness, and sin corrupted that ideal.

RETURN TO EDEN

Until… The Creator himself entered the story. Jesus Christ, God in human form - the new Adam - walked among us, taught us that there is a new way to live - a new way to love - and then gave his own life to make it possible.

As I said last week, now God’s Spirit is within us. The Spirit of Christ himself is guiding us, shaping us, and making it possible for us to do what our spiritual ancestors never could: To return to Eden.

To return to the abundant life we were created to experience from the very beginning. Humans and God face to face once more. Adam and Chava unified and unashamed as they live out their purpose as one.

Thanks to Jesus, we can return to Eden in our marriages.

But how? Well, that brings us back to the second part of verse 10. Now that is what I call a rabbit trail.

How do we get back to what marriage was meant to be? How do we, as Paul says,

Romans 12:10

Love each other with genuine affection…

How do we do that when marriage is hard, when raising kids tests our limits, when we do feel shame and hidden motives? Well, the answer is to

Romans 12:10

…take delight in honoring each other.

Let me explain. What Paul literally says here is to “outdo” one another or “go before” one another in showing honor.

In other words, he’s describing a kind of relationship where we are actually trying to one-up each other in giving value and dignity.

It’s like, “I’m going to honor you whether you like it or not.” “Oh yeah? Well I’m going to honor you even harder.” “Well not if I honor you first!” “Not as good as I will!”

It’s kind of a ridiculous image, but it’s really powerful if you think about it. In any Christian relationship, but especially in a marriage.

This is self-giving love in action. This is agape. Lowering yourself to elevate your spouse while they lower themselves for you. You’re meeting their needs; they’re meeting yours.

It’s like what Paul says in Philippians 2.

Philippians 2:3-5

Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too. You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had.

Christ, remember, who gave his own life for those who didn’t deserve it.

“Take delight in honoring each other.” I believe this practice is the key to recovering the biblical ideal of marriage as an eternal bond - covenant faithfulness. This is the key to returning to Eden.

When the first marriage fell apart in Genesis, each spouse began looking out for themselves. The first thing Adam did was blame the woman for his sin.

The other was replaced by the self. “You will desire him and he will rule over you.” It became a race to the top. However,

A Christlike marriage is a race to the bottom.

“Think of others as better than yourself.” “Outdo one another in showing honor.” “Have the same attitude of Christ.”

When we focus only on our own needs, when marriage becomes a means to an end for my own happiness and satisfaction, it inevitably leads to the exact opposite. Dissatisfaction, misery, and unmet needs. Those are the prizes in a race to the top - when it’s all about me.

But when we practice self-giving love - when we’re in a race to the bottom - outdoing one another in showing honor - that’s precisely when we find our own needs being met.

“I’m looking out for you and you’re looking out for me.” How could “tender affection” and “love” not grow in such an environment?

Bottom line: A return to Eden is possible in our marriages, but only if we start living and loving the way Jesus taught us: running a race to the bottom.

RACING TO THE BOTTOM

Now, obviously there is a lot to unpack with this idea, and I’m sure that many of you have more questions than answers at this point. And that’s ok.

My desire today is simply to plant the seed in your heart for what biblical marriage is meant to be. We’ll talk next week about what to do when our marriages fall short of that ideal, which they inevitably will.

And we’ll address the difference between practicing self-giving love and putting up with abuse. There’s a difference. But that’s next week.

For now, I want to stay a little idealistic, if you’ll let me, and give you some encouragements about running this race to the bottom. The first encouragement is this:

On your mark. Get set. Go.

What I mean is, don’t wait to start your race to the bottom. Don’t talk about it in theory and simply dream about it as a possibility.

Go! Run! Look for ways to honor your spouse and then honor them today.

Let me give you an example of what this could look like: A couple of years ago, we did a “husbands retreat” here at Grace, and as part of it I had the guys do a little exercise.

I gave everyone a sheet of paper and then gave them 5 minutes to write down everything they could think of that their wife likes. Food she enjoys. Experiences she loves. People she likes hanging out with. Favorite candle scents. Whatever. 5 minutes. I set a timer.

As you can imagine, this was harder for some guys than others.

My challenge at the end of that exercise was to look at that list, and then do that stuff. Get her that stuff. Make a way for her to spend time with those people. That’s it!

Running a race to the bottom doesn’t need to be complicated. You can honor your spouse simply by paying attention and then supporting them in the things that they love.

And for those guys who, at the end of 5 minutes, looked down and all that had written was “soup,” I said, “Ok. Your next step is to find out what she likes.”

My point is, the race to the bottom in a marriage can begin right now.

Now, obviously this is a lot deeper than just 5 minutes and a sheet of paper, which is why we are hosting our marriage retreat on August 22 & 23. [image: marriage retreat]

This is your chance to “go there” and connect with your spouse about all of this. To hear their hearts’ desires and to share your own.

Oh, and if that doesn’t sound like something you’d enjoy? Well, what a perfect opportunity to practice self-giving, agape love and set your desires aside for your spouse. Don’t wait.

The best time to begin the race to the bottom is before you even tie the knot. The second best time to begin is right now.

On your mark. Get set. Go.

My second encouragement is this:

Love your spouse in a language they understand.

This is something I’m trying to work on. For me, I show love through acts of service and quality time. It is easy for me to wash the dishes or handle the budget or cuddle up on the couch for a movie.

But those aren’t Olivia’s love languages. She appreciates that stuff, no doubt. But her love languages are gifts and words of affirmation.

Now, I have about 0% of the gifts love language. It is amazing to me how loved she feels whenever I remember to get her a little treat.

I could bring her literally a muffin or a tube of chapstick and she feels like a million bucks. “Ah, thanks babe! You were thinking of me!”

“Really? That makes you feel loved?... Alright… then I’d better start doing this a little more often.”

The point is, if we’re really trying to out-do one another in showing honor, that includes paying attention to what makes our spouse’s heart sing, not just our own.

It’s a race to the bottom, and you’ll run a lot faster if you love your spouse in a language they understand. Finally,

Be willing to take the first step.

This is easier said than done. I know that there’s a temptation to say, “Sure, when my spouse shows me they’re ready to receive it, I’ll start honoring them.”

But that’s not how self-giving love works. That’s not agape. Jesus died for us while we were still sinners. And that’s the attitude we’re supposed to replicate.

If your marriage has become a race to the top, and you’re both miserable after years of looking out for yourselves, one of you will have to take the first step to change your marriage’s direction.

Why not have it be you?

And I know that this is risky, because what if they don’t reciprocate? But here’s where you have to trust in the power of agape to transform lives. To trust that the Spirit of God will beckon your spouse forward even as he gives you the endurance to keep the race alive.

It’s possible that your spouse might take a while to reciprocate. Maybe they never will.

But if you’re willing to take the first step in your marriage’s race to the bottom, you might just find that you’re not running that race alone for very long.

—

Romans 12:10

Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other.

A Christlike marriage is a race to the bottom. Run it with all your might, and someday you and your spouse might just find yourself standing joy-filled and unashamed, face to face in the garden.

[PRAY]